Life goes on...

I am feeling on fire tonight! HA! Fun to be me when I can.
I went to the pain management doctor...ok, didn't like him not one bit! Pompous, self-righteous a$$. Didn't touch me to feel the swelling or tightness in my back, arms, hands & legs, but says "I don't think you are in pain, I think you are addicted to the pain killers." Instead of a normal patient/doc discussion, he did a UA and EKG, wouldn't give me a chance to talk openly, and put me on Methadone! Soooo, I am thinking by the time I leave that OMG I am an addict??? Tells me to take 1-4 a day and not on Sundays. Seriously, this came out of his mouth. I went to the pharmacy (had to use the most liberal of them, as Wal-Mart doesn't carry Methadone nor do they believe in it!) and had them filled. Mind you, I have never taken this medication before, yet the pharmacist didn't even counsel me. I took one around noon, THEN read the pamphlet that came along. BIG MISTAKE! Did you know that it can kill you? My back didn't let up and the doc said I could take one of my "regular" pain meds for a week, but after that I couldn't take them anymore and if when I came back to him and they showed up in my UA, he would fire me! Scared, but in miserable pain, I took another one about 6 hours later. By 10pm I was sooo terribly swollen. I talked to my daughter and she was like OMG MOM! That stuff can kill you! Now things are twice as bad because I am not only in pain, but swollen to the point I feel I am going to burst out of my legs, feet, face and arms!
This morning I called the doctor's office to explain and it was as if I asked to speak with the Pope. "Ms. Cavender, please come into the office." I explained I couldn't afford another visit after paying $150 yesterday. HOLD. "Ms. Cavender, you have to pay something, how much can you pay?" I'm like OMG am I dreaming? Let's just say that by the end of my conversation with the chick who answered the phone, I was supposed to be on my way to see the doctor, but with no money and I had to pay them something...hmmmm. I didn't go AND I haven't taken another one of the Methadone pills either! What a crock! Instead...I opted to go to an AA meeting to get it out of the way for the week. Yes, I said AA! My vocational rehab counselor is making me go because I tried to kill myself 10 years ago by drinking and taking a hand full of pills. Another story, another day.
Out of the blue and on my way to the AA meeting, I get a call from ADULT PROTECTIVE SERVICES! OMG! Someone has called and reported that I need help! Excuse me? Guess what...I qualify for services! Ok, I'm fine with that part, but now there is a case to be determined by someone like CPS if I am ok. NOW what the heck? I didn't catch on to the APS part until later. Serious, can they send someone out to cook and clean for me? What kind of services do I qualify for?
I tell you ... I just don't know what next!
So, after the AA meeting, I ask for a copy of the BIG BOOK! Might as well read it. Vocational Rehab Counselor wants me to jump through hoops for him to help me, so since the book was offered to me FREE today, I took it and started reading...
Maybe tomorrow I will feel better~ Long weekend ahead~ PAIN SUCKS!

The First Step is ALWAYS the hardest....

So, the first step is ALWAYS the hardest. I can attest to that. My low self esteem and lack of confidence holds me back from so much. I suppose the only way to change that is by me accepting the change and making the effort to change. I hate change. I would love for everything to stay the same, even though the same is often a nightmare in itself. I get into a comfort zone and like it there. When something happens to that comfort zone, it makes me crazy. Right now I have so much going on in my life that I am just overwhelmed and cannot find myself under all the clutter.
I am planning on moving. This will only be my fifth move in 2 1/2 years! I am restless and can't seem to settle. Explaining it all is going to take some time and as I move along this new path, I only hope by blogging it will get it all out.
Right now I am in pain. On the pain scale....let's just say 10 isn't justified! I was up all night last night which only intensifies the pain I am feeling. I couldn't sleep because of all the stress, the pain, and most of all the thunderstorms.
I can't seem to focus, but did trim all the bushes and roses, clipped the dogs nails and gave them baths, and have started tonight's dinner. I have called and made an appointment with a pain management specialist for tomorrow. It is a tad early for some of the other phone calls and appointments I need to make.
Ok, enough for now.
Ta Ta